Is He The One? Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr. Wrong

RYAN-1-IsHeTheOne-Ebk-Cover-FINAL-flat-1Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan has worked with successful women who have a hot career, but a chilly love life since 2002. She believes that love is everyone’s destiny and has helped thousands of women overcome obstacles to attracting love. She is also the author of five books including her newest Is He the One? Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr. Wrong.

For this installment of “Take 5 Q&A,” I asked Ronnie about her work as a dating coach, common mistakes women make when dating and how after years of singlehood she met her husband.

What exactly is a dating coach? Can you explain briefly how you help your clients find their soul mate, and, if possible, share a success story?

As a certified dating coach, I help successful women find love. We focus on how to attract and meet high-quality men with easy, proven methods and assess their beliefs to uncover potential obstacles to love. Next, we’ll create a Dating Action Plan to meet plenty of men and I share my radically simplified way to understand men to minimize frustration and angst and avoid dating men who waste your time.

Client Success Story

At 54, Patti was a university professor in Vermont who was tired of living solo. She had been a widow for over 10 years and was ready to find love again. She felt frustrated with the quality of men in her area and thought for sure she’d never find the kind of man she wanted.

We worked together to open her mind, heart and eyes to see more opportunities and get more dates. We also focused on how to tap into and rely on her feminine charm so she could maximize her appeal.

After several months and a number of men, Patti met a fabulous guy who pursued her consistently. He played golf, enjoyed gourmet food, was well-read and had many of the qualities she sought in a partner. After nine months of dating Patti sent me a picture of her new engagement ring and thanked me for all the help and support that kept her moving and meeting men until she did found the right man for her.

As a dating coach you have worked personally with hundreds of women for nearly 15 years. What do you feel is the biggest mistake women make when it comes to dating?

The number one mistake women make is not letting men pursue them. Since men and women are equal, they assume it’s OK to ask men out and take over pursuit. This tends to emasculate men and crushes the chase, which is still very much alive as far as men are concerned. Sometimes you can connect with beta men by pursing him, however, women then complain how the guy won’t not take the lead. There can only be one leader during the first phase of dating – it’s not a shared role.

What helps is to understand you set the tone from the minute you say hello, so let the man lead during the first 4-6 dates at least. That way, you don’t take over his job, which is a huge turn off. Plus, letting the man lead is absolutely essential for discovering if he’s genuinely interested or just passing time with you until a better woman comes along.

You mentioned that you met your husband after 40. Can you share what steps you took, both internally and externally, that helped you find your husband? Also, after dating 30 men, how did you know he was the one?

I hadn’t dated anyone seriously since college, which meant I had a lot of internal work to do. I dated a few guys but nothing lasted more than six weeks. After 18 years of being single, I had many negative beliefs about men (like there weren’t any good ones left) that had to be eliminated. Then I needed to start believing I COULD find love. I share the same timeless methods I used today with my clients and they still work very well.

Next I created a plan to meet men and was surprised at how easily I connected with all sorts of guys. Most weren’t right for me or disappeared, but I gained experience, skills and confidence with every man I dated. By the time I met Paul, the man who became my husband, I had stopped judging each man as if he could be the one and relaxed into just meeting new people.

I figured, “If he’s not this guy, it might be the next one,” and planned to keep meeting men until I found the right one. Taking the pressure off each date was one of the key factors that changed everything, especially my appeal to men.

When I first met my husband, I found him adorable and fun, but I had no idea he’d be the one. I was dating another man at the same time since we were not exclusive and this is another strategy that saved me from myself. I would have dumped my husband if he was the only man I was dating because he only wanted to see me once a week.

Within 6 weeks of dating both men regularly, I made my decision. Paul and I became exclusive and our relationship grew. I had learned so much about relying on my feminine charm, which was a tremendous shift for me since I tended to be a strong “chick in charge” (and still am). Learning to let the man lead during the beginning phase of dating was a huge effort that totally paid off. We’ve been happily married 16 years.

In your book “Is He the One? Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr. Wrong” you identified 50 types of men to avoid. Sometimes people can be deceiving and hide their true character and motives. Is there any man – or men – that women need to particularly try and avoid? What are some of the things women should be looking for on those first few dates?

There are five basic types of men that I recommend avoiding because they are not serious about you, don’t want a long-term relationship or are not capable. Men who are casual, very charming, seem interested, need fixing or are narcissistic.

Here’s how to steer clear of men who will waste your time:

Don’t get attached before you vet a man over 6-8 weeks or more
Observe what he does to pursue you and win you over without you initiating
Don’t accept substandard treatment from men who ask you out with weeks between dates, don’t keep their word or text but don’t ask you out
Don’t make excuses for men or believe their excuses like, “I’m so busy”
Walk away in confidence from the wrong men who string you along, knowing you are worthy of the right man who treats you like gold
After years of bad dates and failed relationships, many women give up on finding their soul mate.

What advice do you have for women who are hopeless and frustrated with dating?

First of all, no man is perfect. Your soul mate won’t be either and neither are you. Be realistic about what you want in a partner. Most likely, you will get the bulk of qualities you want in the right man for you, but sometimes not exactly in the package you think it should be in.

Finding love is like any other goal in life. You have to want it enough to hang in there until you find it. Today women don’t really need a man since most are quite independent. Being in a romantic relationship is a lifestyle choice. If you want love, then commit yourself 100% so there is no giving up until you connect with that one special guy who makes everything you went through all worthwhile.

I know he’s out there for you. I found love after 40 when I had no prospects and no hope which is why I know in my heart you can too.

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